On Turning 29 - A look back at my "Golden Year"
“ Here’s to 28 - to leaning in and trusting God even more! “
I remember vividly when I wrote that sentence before I posted it on Instagram, I was super pumped about turning 28 on the 28th. Ah! The Golden Year, so they say.
If I were to sum up what happened from that instagram post last year to last week when I welcomed the beginning of my 29th year of existence, it would be that it was a very hard yet humbling year. The first 3/4 of last year was great. Traveled with friends and parents, new career was taking off, marriage was going so well, and I started thinking,
“maybe there is some truth to this Golden Year thing, maybe it is my lucky year”.
Little did I know that the rest of the year will be a lot about stripping down of myself. A deep-rooted self reliance and selfishness was revealed right before my eyes. Tendencies of distrust and unbelief were seen for what they really are. And a heart that’s full of anger was uprooted. The reality that I didn’t know how to deal with these emotions that I never knew existed in me before were all so overwhelmingly annoying. Because I’m never good when it comes to dealing with emotions. So many things that I was not aware were debilitating me and robbing me of the real joy, real joy of experiencing the “lucky year”. There were a lot of times in moments of discovering these ugliness that I felt discouraged and exhausted. When I had lost my dear uncle and my cousin at the same time in a week. When I felt helpless that a hug and my physical presence weren’t enough to heal my family that was grieving and hurting, and when I just can’t keep up with death taking away people that I love year after year for the last 5 years, I just felt exhausted. When Jon would confront me and remind me of the truth that I know I needed to hear but didn’t want to. When I wanted love from people that I needed the most and didn’t quite get it, I just felt overall discouraged. The feeling of numbness, or what they call emotional cold just devours you. Anger slowly creeps inside your heart.
You’re probably like, I came here to read good vibes only post, but this was the reality of last year, my Golden Year. And to think that all of these happened in the last three months of last year because of one big life event. It’s funny how that changes and redefine a whole year’s worth. One event. One big life event. An event that made me forget how amazing the months before that were. An event that quickly turned my life upside down. I was running to everything and everyone but Jesus. For comfort, for love, for hope, to lessen the hurt. I was relying on myself and myself alone to pull it together, to be okay, intentionally knowing that I’m just going to fall short and will end up empty. And at the end of it, I was left feeling more hurt, lonely, and even more angry.
See the thing is, I knew exactly what I was missing, I knew exactly where I should run to, I knew exactly WHO I should run to. But I just couldn’t get myself to admit that. I was blinded by anger and I sulked in it.
BUT God. The good Father that He is did not give up on me. He waited patiently with arms ready to embrace me as I slowly confess all the anger I had inside my heart. He relentlessly reminded me of who I am, the daughter of the living God. He reminded me of who He is, my ultimate healer, my only hope, and my Father who loves me so dearly that He sent His only Son to die for me and conquer death, and death is not the end of it. That there is hope, everlasting hope in all of these that’s found in Him and Him alone. He showed up! He started bringing healing in this angry grieving heart of mine and reminded me that He is the only one who can do that for me and my family. He used my community of brothers and sisters to really speak truth to me and reminded me of the abounding grace the Father has poured out towards me so that I may be able to extend that to those who have hurt me. And He restored those relationships, 100%.
In all of these, He reminded me that He is the very best thing. And He knows exactly what’s best for me even if I don’t think it is.
And all I needed was to lean in and trust him.
I’m happy to close chapter 28, but I’m really thankful for every single thing that happened. So ready to unravel chapter 29, while resting in the love of my Savior. It already started with a bang, an amazing trip to Mexico City, blog soon to come about that trip.